Thursday, October 28, 2010

I am a Pomise

Most of you will look at the title and think I spelled it wrong. Technically, I did. But when I think of this old children's song, all I hear anymore is my friend's three-year-old little boy singing, "I am a Pomise. I am a possibility. I am a Pomise, with a tapital 'P.'" I love it!  It takes me back to myself singing it as a little girl. It may have just been me singing it in the mirror to my millions of adoring fans, alone in my room, into a hairbrush or barbie doll. But I know, even then, I knew it. My parents were wonderful about telling me that I could do anything I put my mind to and to my daddy, I would always be prettier than Miss USA.

Fast forward fifteen to twenty years, you would have found me feeling beaten down by the social pressures of college and what was deemed as "acceptable beauty." Somehow, some way, the cutest boy in school was interested in me. He was a little older and quietly mysterious. I just knew that I had "hit the jackpot." He was amazingly talented, had been a boxer and a bit of a bad boy and was now sold-out to God. How could I have found someone better? He asked me to marry him and of course I said, "YES!" Less than a month after we were engaged, our relationship fell apart. He had a nervous breakdown. He was admitted to a hospital and his admitting diagnosis, so I was told, was paranoid schizophrenia. I sat there dumbfounded, wondering what had just happened. Looking back it was a total whirlwind of emotions, hurtful accusations, pain, countless apologies on every side imaginable, questioning God and me feeling more beaten down than I had ever been in my life. I couldn't figure out what I had done to have caused this because naturally I must have contributed. It left me destroyed. I couldn't even remember the little girl singing "I am a Pomise" anymore. I left school mid-semester and cowered in my room at home because I couldn't face the world. I went to therapists who sometimes hurt as much as the helped. I had confrontations with people I felt had done the most wrong to me. I stopped driving because I would end up places and have been so engrossed in my head that I couldn't figure out how I got there. 

I read every book I could find that would encourage me. I read 2 that really did. The first one was by Sheila Walsh called "Honestly." In this book, she speaks very openly about her battle with depression. I can remember going through it and highlighting it every time I felt the same way. It seemed as if I highlighted most of the first half of the book. She described it by saying something to the effect of, it's like standing in front of a mountain that's crumbling and saying "don't do this" when you know there is nothing you can do to stop it. I remembering thinking, "Yes finally someone is saying how I feel." I can remember telling my mom, "If you want to know how I feel and what I'm going through in my head, read that book." I also remember the look on her face when she said, "I tried and I can't." It hurt her to know that I was so broken. I know that she and my dad had to be wondering how this could have happened because they worked so hard to be encouraging. A few people and a horrible situation had destroyed what they'd worked so hard to instill. I was a promise!

I then read a book, called "Water in the Wilderness" by T.D. Jakes. Based on Isaiah 35:6, he talks about how God is with you even in the wilderness. He talks about how the wilderness is a place of dying and a place where He can instruct us on what to do next. The wilderness is a place where all the things that cause you to stumble in your walk with God are killed. I knew that I was supposed to read this book. But I also knew I couldn't have read it and received what God was trying to tell me right away. This was probably a year after the initial, for lack of a better word, "drama" began. I kept praying and asking God, what is it that You are asking of me. FINALLY He spoke! "Elizabeth, you are dying to all things you thought you had to have to get through life. All you need is ME!" 

I'd love to tell you that things changed for me over night. That I woke up a stronger person, knowing once again that I was a promise. But the truth is, I didn't. Because this is a blog and not a novel, I will try to sum it up. I spent years destroyed, unsure of myself and incredibly lonely. I had moved to Nashville before I started to regain some sense of myself. I know I had my parents scared to death, living in a strange city with nobody but my brother (thank God for him). Eventually I started to remember that little girl in her room, singing to her millions of adoring fans in the mirror. Eventually I realized that I didn't need anybody but God to make me happy or complete. Eventually I even realized that I liked myself and thought I was, at least, a pretty cool person. 

Once I knew where my "complete-ness" was found, He gave me the other stuff. Not because I thought He had to, but because He wanted to. He knew my focus wouldn't shift from where it needed to be, on Him. I did get to marry another "cutest boy in school." Jimmy was the one that God designed just for me. God was preparing him differently than me. God knew when I was 31 that I was ready for him. Not the boy that I thought I was ready for when I was younger. God knew that I had to get the focus off of me. So He does what He has to do to get through to us, even though sometimes it hurts. Kind of sounds like a parent disciplining a child. I certainly don't mean to say that my life hasn't had its fair share of hardships. I know there will be some until the day I die, but that's what makes me want to go to Heaven. More than anything, I remember, "I am a Promise. I am a possibility..."

My "story" being out there now reminds me... I need to go clean. My mom will be here tomorrow. :)

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