Scars

I headed back to my doctor last week to find out how my knee was doing. All in all, quite good. The bone is healed. Just still having more pain in the muscle and tissue around it than I'd like. He says this is all normal so that's good enough to me. Still doing a lot of physical therapy to try and get it all mobile again. For those of you who have had to do physical therapy, you know how dramatically un-fun the process is.

The interesting thing to me was this. When you looked closely at the x-ray of my healed knee cap, you could still see the line through it. It looked like someone had drawn on my x-ray with a pencil. It will be like that for the rest of my life. At that point, the Lord revealed something to me. Sometimes our healing, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, leaves scars. To the vain, this would be unpleasant. But to the believer, it allows an opportunity to share with someone. It lets us have an opportunity to say, "Hey you see what God did for me? I've been in a similar place as you are now and can tell you that He will do it for you too. Don't believe me? Just check out my scar." 

The next time you are frustrated about that situation or scar that just won't go away, thank God. You have something people can see with either physical eyes or spiritual eyes that you can share about how great God is.

While I Wait

So I have ventured into my fifth week with this broken knee cap. I am trying to keep my chin up. But as I have stated before, my independent nature doesn't like being at the mercy of other people. Traveling in the motor home holds its own share of difficulties with my current condition. Getting around on crutches while moving is virtually impossible. Getting to "my side" of the bed can be treacherous. I can't get in and out of the shower without help and that is one of the worst parts for me. Getting in and out of the motor home in and of itself is a challenge that is met with only once a day. Twice at the complete outside and only if completely necessary.


However in all of this, I've learned several different things. I've learned that it's ok to ask others for help and not feel completely guilty about it. Not that I would take advantage of this if I were able to do for myself. It's ok to say, "No I just can't do anymore." I have a horrible habit of saying "yes" and going until I'm practically sick. It's ok to rely less on me and more on Jimmy. (or sometimes Devin) But mainly, its ok to rely less on me and more on Him!


There have been several obstacles that have come up in this last month besides my broken knee and car. I have sat back and said, "Ok God, I realize You want to teach me something but if you could let up just a bit, I'd be really grateful." Those are the times God tells me, "It's because I want you to quit relying on you and your ability." Which is something I already know but apparently need reminding of from time to time.  My ability is sorely lacking at the moment but in Him, it lacks incessantly in comparison. He is so much bigger than my small mind and abilities can imagine. Why do I even think about relying on myself?


So while I wait, I'll keep on trying to imagine like I'm already home where I don't have to worry about such silly things. All I have to do is rest in the arms of One who loves me far more than I'm worth.

Updates and Interesting Signs

We drive to Lexington to see Jimmy's family several times a year and there is a church sign along our way that always grabs my attention but probably not for the reason this particular church would like. I thought I'd post it on here and let everyone see it. I've made the name of the actual church obscured for obvious reasons. I'm not going to share my personal opinions about it because if you know me, you know how I feel.

As for my own personal well being, I'm still here, still have a broken knee but still listening. I'm amazed by God's blessings in the midst of all this. I'm grateful for a husband that is willing to help me by pretty much doing everything that requires movement and for being my own personal taxi. I'm grateful for friends who come to me since I can't get to them. I'm grateful because maybe these are the ways He is speaking to me now.

Broken Knees and Listening Ears

Many of you know that I wrecked our car last week. I was not texting! I knew I had hurt my knee somehow but had no idea that I would end up with a fractured knee cap. I keep saying, "Who breaks their knee cap???" But clearly the answer is me and a surprising number of people that either I know or someone I know, knows. Fortunately at this point, its nothing more serious. Thank you Lord! 

I'm just going to be honest... it hurts! A LOT!!! I pretend I'm tough because anything else makes me feel like a baby. I try not to take the pain medicine because it makes me so sleepy. My muscles around it are bothering me because I can't use them. I have a hard time doing anything. There is no waiting until the last minute to shower, get down the stairs or even go to the restroom. Everything takes much longer. It's a ten or fifteen minute process just to get out of bed. 

I end up having some sort of emotional breakdown almost daily. Sometimes the breakdown is because I haven't taken enough of my pain medicine and the pain becomes overwhelming. Sometimes its because of my anxiety over the accident and surrounding issues. We have to find a new vehicle (although they haven't said yet that it's definitely totaled.) Of course, as most do, I have tremendous anxiety over the financial end of things. Sometimes its because I'm frustrated with all this. My frustration exists on several levels. I hate being in pain, as most people do. I get frustrated that my body won't let me do what it normally does. I hate feeling like an invalid! I hate the fact that Jimmy has to do everything for me. Or that if Jimmy and I are out somewhere, friends have to drive me home because I am in too much pain to stay. I need a pedicure or something but I can't reach my toes. I can't get a glass of water because I can't carry it back to where I was and work my crutches at the same time. 

The Lord is clearly teaching me to lean on Him more. I sure thought that I had done that the whole time. But obviously there is still part of me desiring to do things in and of myself. So as I sit here dependent on everyone else, I'm listening.

Don't worry about anything. Instead, tell God about everything. Ask and pray. Give thanks to Him. Then God's peace will watch over your hearts and your minds because you belong to Christ Jesus. God's peace can never be completely understood. Phil. 4:6-7 

Let's Get Real

Everyone has junk in their past that they aren't proud of. If you don't, then you must have lived an awfully sheltered existence. I'd be willing to bet, even you probably have something you regret. We are all afraid to let people know what it is, was, whatever. But that's just it... WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING! Why are some so quick to look down on someone else because that person's "something" is worse than their own personal "something?" It makes no sense to me. 

If you know anything about us, my husband especially, or the ministry of McMillan & Life, you know that we are brutally honest in concert. It isn't meant to make you feel bad for us but to let you know that we are real people with real problems and real pain. We have some real issues in our family these days. More than many of you know about. Some of the things that are going on we just don't feel we can share out of fear of it "getting out." Church people often disguise their gossip in "prayer requests." Because gossiping everyone knows is wrong but if we hide it in a prayer request then suddenly it becomes ok. You all know what I mean. You know when you are disguising it as a prayer request. I can sadly admit, I've been guilty of it before. By the grace of God, it's been a while.

I've been reading a book that I bought with the intention of giving it to someone else called, God in the Alley. I wanted to make sure that it was going to speak to the person I bought it for like I hoped (sometimes you just can't tell all you want to from the liner on the back) so I wanted to read it first. I'm not through it all yet but I can tell you already that I am more aware already of the need to be real.  The writer talks about how he had a deeper desire to be a living example of Jesus to the world. In order to be Jesus to someone else, he felt that he had to be willing to see Jesus in them too. He saw Jesus in a man dying of AIDS who wasn't even a believer in Jesus but in a moment of helping to clean up this man who had soiled himself, the man began to pray blessings on him. That is truly a moment to see Jesus in someone else whether or not they are a believer. It also shows that the writer did in fact become a living example of Jesus to this man.

He felt God calling him to a place where he could really minister to the "spiritually unloved" of society. You know who I'm talking about... the ones we claim to Jesus and everyone in our church that we "love unconditionally." When in reality God knows that many, in their heart of hearts, when they think nobody is watching them, they shun because they are afraid it may infect their lives. Those people to whom we say, "No of course I don't judge you, I just can't be around you." As though if they associate with the person who is a drug abuser, prostitute, alcoholic, (insert your inexcusable sin here) and dare I say, homosexual, the sin they have is contagious. Jesus fellowshipped with these people. Why do we feel like we shouldn't? I don't understand that. I have friends that know that I don't condone things in their lives (whatever those things may be) but they are still my friends. I don't have to condone everything someone does to love them as Jesus does. Jesus fellowshipped with the people that needed Him most. Why do we put categories on sin when the Bible plainly states, "No sin is greater than another?" Why is it that the above mentioned "sins" seem to carry so much more weight than someone who lies or "speaks evangelistically" because they want you to find them more successful than they truly are? These are just things that don't make sense to me if we are going to "be Jesus" to anyone. I certainly don't expect you to start walking up to people on the street admitting every time you lied or did something you knew in your gut was wrong. I do expect people to start being more aware of "the plank in your own eye," myself included. 

I've heard my husband say many times that as the church, we are so quick to sink our own its no wonder people don't feel like they can be honest. If we can't be real to each other as christians and let someone know that there is junk in our lives that we need prayer for or even to forgive ourselves for, then how can we hope to win a lost world to a Savior who loves us more than all our junk? I desire to love people as I love God. I desire to be and see Jesus in others. I desire to share my prayer requests with people in a way that will make me vulnerable but not food for vultures. Dear Lord, I hope I am the kind of person I wish for? Can you be that person? 

Everything Changed

We have heard Faith Hill and countless others sing A Baby Changes Everything. There is also a song I just heard this week that says, "Heaven's exalted King, in a manger lay, because a baby came and everything changed." I have often wondered what all would have gone through Mary and Joseph's minds on this night (as we celebrate it) over 2000 years ago. A new baby, new parents and your child is the Savior of the World. What an enormous responsibility on one so small. Did Mary cry? Did she wonder how long He would be able to just be her baby boy? I am not a mother so its even more incomprehensible for me to begin to imagine how Mary felt for those 33 years Jesus was alive. But she also knew that He was called to be something more amazing than she could've dreamed possible. How long did Joseph question Mary's faithfulness to him? How long did he ask why he should have to raise a child that wasn't his before taking her as his wife?

Yet all of Heaven was singing, "Gloria! Our God is with us! Gloria! He has come to save!" I'm so glad His ways are higher than ours. If His weren't, this world would be a very discouraging place by my estimation. Even more discouraging that it already can be. I think of a young couple I recently heard about who had a baby a few days ago. The young mother ended up having cardiac arrest and passed away. "When our dreams grow dim and our hearts grow cold, He is never far from our broken soul."

So many times we see "Jesus is the reason for the season." But how many times does it end up just being a slogan or catch phrase? Even to those of us who do know that its true? We can become so callous to the passion behind such a phrase if we aren't careful. This may be all very common place and not very profound and truthfully it's not. I can only tell you that I'm so glad that Baby changed everything for me. Merry Christmas to you and yours. May you always know that Baby that changed everything.

Pitiful Hearts & Bigger Pictures

I know, I know... it's been forever since I've blogged and frankly I just have no excuses. Today has just been one of those days. One of those days where I've been trying to not have a little pity party. Perhaps you are a better person than I and don't have days like that. Nothing necessarily spurred said party. Just woke up kind of down. Which is surprising seeing as this is one of my absolute favorite times of year. I love the holidays. I love time with family and friends. We had some friends over and I tried to pick my spirits up when I was around them but it just didn't change the fact that I felt pitiful. 

Then I got online tonight and checked my email for a church that I do some graphics and layouts for remotely. I saw an email prayer request update for a little boy that was born 2 or 3 months ago. He was one of twin boys. One of the boys is, as far as I know, perfectly healthy. Then this little boy is having to undergo his third open heart surgery in thirteen days. His parents are desperately praying because he is going to need a heart transplant, most likely, in order to survive. They are praying for a touch from the Divine Healer. They are praying also for a family, who they don't know, who may lose a child that would be willing to donate that child's organs. They are praying already for the Divine Comforter to be a comfort to a family in time of pain. 

Then I felt worse. Not for me, but because I am so blind sometimes with my "light and temporary trials." As I sit here, I'm reminded of something my mother said to me a thousand times. Something, I know,  her mother said to her. "Whatever you think is going wrong in your life always know, someone has it worse." The grief and pain of losing a child is something I am completely unable to comprehend. The pain of seeing your child hurt is something I can only imagine. I only know that my own little pity party was rained on by a family with a bigger need than mine. So even though I know, not everything in my world is how I want it to be, regardless of its trials (some that are much bigger than most know about), my heart and soul pray for a little boy that I've never met, a family I may never know to an Almighty God that's bigger than you and I.